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Monday, April 8, 2013

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A to Z 2013 : GRANDMA'S BOY

(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)

After determining I would stop blogging, I began to to think of some of the topics I had planned that I’d never write about. Some I find important, others just fun and random. Then I began to think about what my grandmother would say when she found out I quit. She has been my number one supporter and fan. She is technologically challenged, so I read my latest blog entries to her when I visit on Mondays.

Over the last few months she has come to look forward to the interaction and, to be honest, so have I. I may not live in her basement like the stereotypical Grandma's Boy — the space is actually occupied by another — but there is no doubt that I am a Grandma’s Boy. The thought of her reaction doesn’t sit well with me. She would be very understanding, but yet... not.

What a Difference a Day Makes
24 little hours

What eventually ran through my head, after a comment a friend made, was people may think I couldn’t stomach the A to Z challenge. Now, I’ve nothing to prove, but I wanted it to be known that I really was (am) enjoying the A to Z. The people have been great and the abundance of new blogs/reading material welcomed.

Then another friend made a comment about getting them involved and abandoning him. I'm sure he was joking (I hope...), but I did feel kind of bad. Some friends weren’t able to sign up/register in time; joining later in the week, catching up.

If I had left that F post at its bare-boned, skeletal artsy self as I had planned, I don’t think I’d even be writing this. But, I wrote more and soon after I wanted to write more. What was G going to be again? “Give it a Name?” No, that was a header under J. What about H? I had a coded message for someone with the O entry. I really was (am... *sigh*) enjoying this blog hop (I think that is technically what it is referred to as).

All that, and a bit more, culminated into wanting to continue even more than before.

What the Crack Fuck?

I have this thing, where I worry about what people will think (it apparently exists both in person and online) and what impressions I make. I literally just went off about having to find a job and prioritize and get shit straight (all of which I need to do... very, very badly... and fast).

Now I'm continuing (or wanting to) and wonder if people are going to think I'm on drugs or something. Maybe bipolar — which I’m not and is no light matter — or depressed or whatever multitude of things. I even, at this very moment, have an email up I was going to send to a Co-Host of the A to Z challenge asking if I will come off like a cracked out basketcase.

I could leave comments off, continually, out of fear. What fun would that be, though? The interactions are honestly 75% of this event, and blogging, for me.

I’m writing this entry, and I am abstaining from sending that email (sparing them of my nuttery), and resolving to: Fuck it. Like all else, those things — thoughts/feelings/opinions of others — are out of my control. Sucks sometimes thinking what role I play in them, because despite the fact that yes, it is out of your control, you sometimes play a role. Things you say/do/etc all play a part. But, even then, what can you do? Not a whole hell of a lot. Make better choices (if the results were negative) perhaps.

It is what it is. I’m a strong supporter of: Whatever happens, happens. My facebook banner thing-in-the-bobber can back me up... unless it's still the 2012 NaNoWriMo one... then it can’t. Nope “What Ever Happens, Happens.” And now I know how little I paid attention to the split between “what” and “ever” and am annoyed because it should be one word. Now I have another crisis on my hands! Great!

I Cannot Tell a Lie

Quitting the blogs, while helping some with stress (mainly referring to my fiction blog), won’t make me any more motivated to job hunt. What I feel would result is I’d find some other distraction — there are many to choose from (Damn you Candy Crush! Damn you to hell!) — and I’d be in the same place I was before. Except I wouldn’t be writing as often. If at all, because this fiction writing is still presenting its fair share of blockage. It wants to fight. It wants to punch me in the ear.

So not blogging isn’t going to help a whole hell of a lot. I just hate standard work; always have. My grandmother and I just recapped this last Monday. Friends and family always come first, and at least with the job I’ve had for the last six years those values could be upheld. I just need another. A second job... oh my nuts, if you only knew how much I hate the concept of having to work two jobs. Yeah, I know... millions do it. I am likely of the 1% in this category.

I’ve good friends and family that have attempted to help me get a second job for months now, but I just evade. Evade right into that financial black hole I was talking about in my previous entry. So what I need is an entire change of thought and, surely, acceptance. I need to be careful... I can’t even fully become a Grandma’s Boy and live in the basement; no vacancies. Would be interesting to see where I’d end up.

Was It Real or Was It All an Illusion?

Well, let’s see here. I’ve quite possible broken all trust of security with those who follow along, including friends and family. This guy could just up and leave after investing X amount of time reading his damn blog?! This was actually a factor of concern if I were to eventually come back to blogging.

See I talk about Connections and building of strong bonds, so acts like this leave me a bit reminiscent of incidents described in The Bridge.

At least my bounce back recovery time is improving exponentially! I guess I should have heeded my own words:
“Eviscerate notions demanding
Enthralling neurotic derailments"
Do I try to pretend it never happened? Claim "F" was for "False Alarm"? Not really my style. Everything described is real, genuine, and pertinent in my life at this time. I definitely seem to be living up to that intentionally emo pic I took when deciding to undertake a journal blog.

So I think I will just keep on, keeping on. In my heart of hearts it is what I want. I can continue to dabble with writing on a non-fiction front, and I can keep reading my blurbs to my grandmother when I visit. I can meet new bloggers.

And while pretending to look for a second job, perhaps one will fall into my lap... right.

WTF? Is Jak:
A) Crazy
B) On Crack
C) Sleep Deprived
D) Living Up to His EmoJak moniker 
E) The One True King 
F) All the Above (minus E, of course!)
G) None of the Above (This has all been a ruse of pure genius masterminded as some sort of publicity stunt)

I’m going to go with G :) since it is the Letter of the Day. Also, if you've never seen the movie Grandma’s Boy, do so (but only if you enjoy crude humor!).

Edit: I forgot it's Monday (since I scheduled this out over the weekend) and that is officially Grandma Day! I will share a video by Julian Smith that I place up on FB occasionally:

19 comments:

  1. Yay you are back, rejoice my angels...wait what? OK I go with H) Didn't have enough coffee!

    No, seriously I have been there, I took down my blog because I thought I was no good and what is the point.
    But, you know what the blog is for me. It challenges me to actually sit down and do some art, otherwise I probably wouldn't have done much. And secondly I met some pretty awesome people.

    So uh do I have any wise words for you...nah! But I think just try to pressure yourself less and just do it for yourself. I mean you don't have to produce a best-seller right away....just saying.

    PS: If you leave again I cut you...kidding...no...yes...no...maybe

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  2. I'm glad you changed your mind.

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  3. Sugar crush???

    Also, well played.

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    1. Can't be too addicted yet, if I can't get the name right. That is a good sign no? lol *Edited*

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  4. @Poke - Well, I fell spending the time doing the blog was creating a distraction from writing my fiction, and finding a job. The second job thing is currently the most important item on the docket, but my lack of motivation to find one isn't really associated with distractions. Just that I don't want to do it, though, have to.

    You have my permission to cut me. Kidding... yes... no... yes... maybe

    @Jessica - Thanks :) Ditto

    @Usagi - Indeed.

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  5. Excellent movie. I'm married to him, less the insane amounts of pot. Have I mentioned I live in my parents' basement. *High five*
    Glad you are still writing!

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    1. *High five*

      That is true, I never thought of that. I've yet to meet him, mind you. And, thank you :)

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  6. Yay.

    For the record, your F entry was one of my favorites so far.

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    1. That's because you are "One of Them"

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  7. Hey Jak, you're back!! Jak's back! Well done. Looking forward to H.

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  8. Well hey there! :) And, oh my gosh, don't worry about how this looks. I have had thoughts of quitting on several occasions, and within days I'm back at it. It's natural. But one thing I wanted to say the other day is that blogging IS writing. Even if it's not fiction, even if it's not a novel, you are still writing and excercising those muscles. So if you are enjoying it, do it!

    Glad you be around for the rest of the challenge :) And hi to grandma!

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  9. Well, I'm glad you changed your mind, because otherwise I may never have made it over to your blog (because even in my wildest dreams I don't kid myself that I'm going to make it through all 1965 blogs). This was a lovely post--refreshing for its openness and emotional honesty.

    Good luck getting that second job or one that pays well enough to dig you out of that financial pit.

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  10. I'm glad to see you're back. I feel you on so many levels. I hate working a real job. I mentioned in my comment to you on my journal, I now have a fear of it. Which is why I'm trying to do my own thing with the publishing business. It's not been easy though... and I don't even own it yet. People are all being mean and causing drama already (not all of them, just a few) and like you, I worry about what people think. I worry they think I'm stupid. That I can't do this. Life can be a mess, huh?

    Though I didn't think you were on drugs or anything. I understand the stress of trying to figure out what it is you are going to do to pay the bills. Trust me, I understand the ups and downs there.

    I've loved getting to know people through the challenge. I wanted to give up on E but stuck with it and I'm so thankful I have!

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  11. You have your grandma, I have my dad. If I ever stopped writing, he would show up at my door with some awful words for me. And he was a cop. He knows some words.
    I'm glad you're back. Still hoping you get your shit together. :)

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  12. I'm glad that you decided to stay in! You've made a good decision with just saying fuck it. It took me a long time to stop giving a shit what other people think and let me tell you...life is a lot more fun now. Good luck with figuring out the next step. :)

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  13. Your writing is very good. I always believed that. I wish you would contact me. I hope you are enjoying that computer. I will now publicly admit you are right about me. Your truth you showed me about myself was accurate. Your predictions have for the most part come true. You know where I am all my information is the same as it was. If for no other reason contact me for for some accolades and ego stroking if you need it. I am growing myself beyond that monster I used to be. Thank you.

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  14. @Andy - Jak is Back! Hahaha Indeed :) I need to catch up, H took me a while to write up >.<

    @Kianwi - Thanks, yeah trying not to worry too much about it all. Been writing most of the afternoon finishing up the next entry. Best start tomorrow's earlier. I know there are a handful of Euro visitors (at least I think).

    @Kern - I know how you feel. Keeping up with so many new blogs, and writing your entries and comments is pretty strenuous. Glad you stopped by and thank you.

    @Kristen - That is terrible :( Who is being mean? Those associated with the business you are acquiring, or random people in your life? Well you definitely can do it, and as you said is a part of making your dreams come true. So keep at it, and don't let them drag you down with their negativity!

    I am glad you didn't think I was on drugs :) I'd imagine more would believe it to be depression. It can be depressing sometimes, life that is. It is natural. I'm really glad you didn't give up on E! Looking forward to another 3 weeks of entries!

    @in the coop - It is nice having people like that in your life to slap some sense into you, when becoming frustrated or neurotic lol Thanks and I hope so to0!

    @Tracy - Me too. It didn't take long, which is good. It will take a long while before I can fully embrace not caring what others think. Thanks much for your words and visiting!

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  15. Yay, you stayed on! Doesn't matter what everyone else thinks - be you and people will follow. (and comment, and cheer you on, and love your stuff). :)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Kimberly :) I appreciate it! I am doing my best. Thanks for stopping by!

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