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Saturday, April 6, 2013

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A to Z 2013 : FINALITY

(An A to Z 2013 Challenge Entry)

I am not a writer.

That was the only thing said within this entry originally. It was short, simplistic, and spoke the truth; my truth. I found it very poetic. And brief for once in my life! Certain people — myself included — would appreciate that. After some sleep and a few hours of contemplation, though, I thought I would explain. Not out of obligation, but desire. I’ve met a handful of people I’ve really liked connecting with over this recent blogging endeavor; even more through the A to Z Challenge.

For my entire life I feel like I’ve been playing “writer,” never actually being one. In high school I would write and draw a lot. All the time. I wanted to do comics and novels and had big ideas. Once graduating, caring less about college, I thought I would write my first novel. Instead, I wrote nothing; for years.

People would always ask how my writing was coming along, and I would say it was going good. I thought about my writing all the time, but never put any action into getting it down. I would essentially lie about writing, because I wanted to be a writer that bad. I’m sure over time they knew — everyone; friends and family — that I wasn’t writing. It doesn’t take five years to write a novel, does it? Ten? Eventually people stopped inquiring, except some family.

After the 12 year block, some assistance from a book; NaNoWriMo; and encouragement I began to blog. I was writing once again. Unfortunately, life changes with my job and family caused a few hardships. The biggest downfall has been allowing myself to spiral into a financial pit. While I should have been looking for a job, over the last few months, I’ve instead focused more on my writing. Maybe stressing about my writing is more accurate.

Whichever the case, it provided a distraction from doing what I should be doing: taking care of business. Getting a job, becoming more financially secure, continue with my exercise regiment, eat healthier, etc etc. Most would think this could all be done simultaneously, and for some that is very possible. I know myself, though, and I tend to lack a healthy balance between parts of my life. I have odd — some would say fucked up — priorities.

The kicker to me is... despite the time spent focusing on my writing, very little has been produced. I’m constantly distracted by a multitude of things; games, women, interwebs, women, friends, women. Okay, I don’t have lots of women around, that was more of a joke.

Anyway, a friend stated about how I talk so much about my writing, but never do it. It brought back all those years of “pretending” I was a writer, and I felt like a fraud. Mixed in is association with friends/family who don’t like my writing and/or believe it to be sub par. Everyone is apparently a great writer — beyond myself — explaining why none are published and if so, still working standard mundane jobs to support themselves; their writing unable to do so. At least they can support themselves, which is more than I will be able to say about myself very shortly.

Sometimes the Toughest Choices Are the Smartest

Swiping this from a Facebook status update...

So, I am definitely a dreamer. Always dreaming about being a writer, but never being one. Blogging has been a great experience, but it is also a distraction from my fiction which I would like to continue. In light of this, I plan to take a hiatus from blogging in hopes of being able to focus on some important matters in life. Work, money, maybe my fiction. I’d hate to have to be a fraud my entire life.

I may get back to the blogosphere, may not. I am very appreciative of those who have encouraged and actively supported me. Those new connections I’ve made during my brief stint. I hope to continue reading a good handful of blogs I’ve happened across these past months. There is a lot of good writing, talent, and people involved!

You’ll notice the comments are disabled. I’m not looking for sympathy or to drag people further into my pity party. I know most I associate with are really good people, and so your farewells and good wishes are known without saying. Naturally, following along may be a moot point now. No hard feelings for unfollowing.

I’ll continue to be a dreamer, but for now I have to wake up to the really real world and take care of some shit and, to be honest, it still may not happen. Such is life.

Hopefully I get back into blogging again once things are more stable.

No promises.

And naturally... no pinky swears.

12 comments:

  1. Thanks for my daily vocabulary lesson. :)

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    1. Oh, hello there :) No problem, anytime!

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  2. Hey Jak.. You're worrying me! Sounding very 'down'. I know all about feeling down, but won't go into that here. I've found that keeping it simple and concentrating on one or at most two things can help. In order to write we need to live. To live we need financial stability, therefore a job of some kind. I think you are right. Secure the job. Get the stability. That's a good foundation to build from. There's no reason someone can't write ABOUT that process, while it's happening. It's not an 'all or nothing' situation. Finding stability/balance does not mean you can't write. Writing does not mean you can't be finding your stability while you write. Nothing happens overnight. Takes time. It's not the destination, but the journey

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  3. Hey there! I understand needing to step away and take care of yourself, but I've only just started getting to know you and would love to keep in touch. You seem like an awesome person and I've enjoyed talking to you.

    Since you specifically have said no sympathy and pity or farewells, I will leave it at that. Hopefully we can keep in touch!

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  4. I'm really sorry to hear this. I was enjoying reading your blog for the A to Z challenge, because you have a different perspective than I'm used to.

    I get it, though. There are definitely times in my life when I've been using my blog for distraction. That can be good and bad, I think.

    One thing I can tell you is don't listen to naysayers. Only you can decide what's important to you and what your hopes and dreams are. You do have a talent for writing and commercial success is definitely not a judge of that. You'll get it done when it's the right timing. Keep faith!

    You are a writer.

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  5. The secret to writing is to sit your butt in a chair in front of a computer and type some stuff on the blank page. Allow yourself to suck, but don't be discouraged by that. As with everything, you've got to do put in the time to get better. Blogging is a great way to do it.

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  6. Well, that sucks. Go get your shit together. You will be missed, new friend.

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  7. I quit a to z too...you lasted longer than I did!!

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  8. Best wishes with your writing Jak. I can understand needing to get your priorities straight and letting things go. In the process of figuring out what I need to let go of myself. I have too many things going on to do anything well.

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  9. @Andy - Thank you for your very kind words. Not exactly "down" but attempting to shift gears. I definitely haven't "lived" as I want. Traveling, exploring even local venues of entertainment. In general, I've been okay with being short funded. Lately, however, not so much. More so when it gets down to "crunch time" and I have to hustle asap.

    It took me about 2 hours (if that even) to realize I was just making an excuse to not write. I forced myself to keep my posting in place, though, to in turn force myself to reshuffle priorities. I realized it wouldn't matter if I stopped blogging, even if a distraction of sorts, I wouldn't job hunt any better/faster. I go into it more on the next entry.

    As you can tell I lifted the comment block, after some debate. I'm definitely not so much worried about my fiction writing and who likes/dislikes, but that I actually DO it. Thanks again, man.

    @Kristen - Thanks! I know you have a lot of stuff going on and am glad we bumped into one another. I'll be continuing on. So no sadness yet! Definitely still in touch.

    @Kianwi - Yeah I was thinking my blogging was distracting me from doing what I should be focusing on. In a way it is, but I've come to think it is maybe a good distraction, and that is has nothing to do with my setting of priorities of job hunting. That is an issue all by it's lonesome, and a topic I had planned for "I" Now, though, I hope to address a different topic that day.

    @Deathwriter - Oh, if only it were that easy. I'd try that time and time again. I went over some of that when I began my blog a few months ago. Now it flows a bit more easier, mind you, but during the block... not sure how to explain it. It was bad. I'd have much rather have gotten anything out even if super craptastic than nothing.

    I was hesitant looking over your blog with the title when I began the challenge and link hunting, but noticed you commented on Tex's GrammatiCats and glad I stopped over. Now I am intrigued about your work :)

    @in the coop - you have to put up with me a tad bit longer perhaps.

    @Usagi - :( I saw. I meant blogging in general, but yeah. Guess Thursdays will have to do for now. Though, unsure how many I can attend in the coming weeks.

    @Tracy - Thanks for stopping back again, and thank you. I've noticed you have a TON going on. A to Z, multiple Camp NaNo prompts, then I think more entries? I think I am placing Camp NaNo on the back burner, but am still hoping to continue with A to Z. Screw my priorities! I am already doomed hahaha

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  10. Nooooo! I just found your blog, you can't disappear now!

    But from the other side of the coin I think ALL writers go through this kind of self-doubt, need to step away type of thing. I sure have. If you're interested in reading about it you can just pluck every fifth post from my blog and there it'll be. Do what you need to do to get yourself back to yourself and if you do decide to start writing again stop by and let me know you're back, I've really enjoyed reading your random inner monologue.

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  11. Jak, you just have to keep doing it, even if it's just getting things off your chest. You have a way with words that most people lack so make the most of it!

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